Another letter to J

J

真不知道還要寫給你多少信件呢?實在很抱歉。也許還會有很多很多;可是因為實在沒辦法了所以只好寫信給妳。其實動機跟寫網誌是一樣的事情呀。因為想要別人很輕易的了解自己所以才寫網誌。日常生活的我和內心的我,或是發生了某些事或自己招惹了某些事之後改變了的內心的我。白天時的window shopping,人們經過時仔細或非仔細地看著櫥窗裡,象徵性的商店形象;美國的商店很大噢!真的很大又很深,所以不要小看實際的容量。我也是這樣吧。恨不得是這樣子:我從店裡看到店外的與我心靈相通的人其實一直都在店的最裡面;因為內側的玻璃被塗上汞變成了鏡子所以好像是在外面一樣。

「但是與我心靈相通的人一直都在店外面。」一點都沒有壓迫感的處在店外面,卻又緊緊的抱住我,或是比我還更熟悉店內似地幫我盤點貨品。

很多東西不是用英文可以寫出來的。為了要用英文,同一個想法必須要不停地濃縮和重組,直到看起來像是美國人會用的邏輯才能安全地被寫出來。「真是一種背叛性的安全。」感覺很像華氏和攝氏之間的矛盾關係,但是又沒有科學根據。「想要讓店裡的人變多是不是必須得付出這樣的代價呢?」我時常在想。可是我從來沒有期待著非中文語系(非中文語邏輯)的店員呀!應該說心底雖然一直期待著濃眉挺鼻,比我高一個頭以上,身材中等但有肌肉的中東裔男性當我的男朋友,卻也從來沒期待它能夠待在我的店裡卻又看起來像在店外一樣。既然如此我又在堅持什麼呢?

寫信給妳的理由我想妳應該很明白吧。即使不明白純粹用猜的,我想妳也一定會猜中。因為妳了解我呀!

「舞舞舞」看到下半本的一半了。不知道為什麼,總覺得這本書的名字唸起來就應該是「Dance Dance Dance」,直覺吧。我又看不懂日文當然不知道它該怎麼唸。

(剛剛出去了一下,也許語氣會改變,不過我想說的還是一樣。)

如果要把我放在村上的小說裡,也許我會變成一顆玻璃球吧!裡面有著一顆高比重小球的一顆中空玻璃球。大小約是一手無法確實掌握的那種大小(就跟D罩杯一樣吧),雖然球壁很薄但是球是不會破的噢!如果能夠把玻璃球舉起搖晃,裡頭的高比重小球必然會敲碎球壁而因此滾出,勉強握著玻璃球的手也會被看似沒有殺傷力的薄球殼給割破流血。但是因為那顆高比重小球有著不可思議的重量,所以一般人是無法拿起的;只能很彆扭地滾動。滾動倒是輕鬆,這連埃及人都知道,用滾動的方式運送大石塊。玻璃球好像能夠很自由地旅行,因為圓滾滾的東西推到哪都行;但是就是不能被抬起來瞬間移動。

沒有任何人可以作主卻又很自在的人生。

噢對了,剛才出去了一下是去了Boston College散步。那裡,怎麼說呢,「很有美國氣氛的英式公園」。氣溫大約攝氏24度左右,緯度45度的陽光,樹蔭,草皮,涼風,和教堂的鐘聲。覺得沒有什麼比這裡更適合慢跑了。不過那裡不適合唸村上的小說,也不適合看壹周刊;還是適合慢跑,對,那裡是慢跑的地方。

J,妳覺得我可以再這樣下去嗎?我會不會變得不再是我心目中的我呢?每每看都會覺得「好像這樣也無所謂,好像這樣也可以。」明明就知道是這樣卻有一種衝動想讓它變成真實。既然我沒有那種「必須追尋」的東西,以那樣的心態活著好像也不太正當。而且我也不是那種個性的人。這樣下去我是否會走馬看花的過著剩餘的人生呢?踩著步伐符合標準地前進卻不太認真,真的會這樣嗎?

無論如何,祝妳一切都好。
妳一定要一切都好噢,因為我好像在步妳的後塵一樣。

A
(下次再寄給妳一些地球上的東西吧!例如泡泡糖西瓜冰或是macaroni泡麵之類。)

J,

How many letters will I send to you? It may be beyond your imagination. I don’t mean to bother you but I have no choice; sorry. What motivates me to write a letter is pretty much the same as what motivates me to write a blog: I want you/people to know me. The everyday A and the interior A, or the A who suffered from something, incurred something, or changed after something. On daytime window shopping, people look at the store images carefully or carelessly. American stores are big! Big and deep. Don’t underestimate the volume of a store. I think I am the same. I wish I could. The truth is that, the soul mate standing in front of the store actually is at the very end of the store. Since the glass inside acted like mirror, the soul mate was regarded as standing outside while he/she was actually reflected.

“But, my soul mate is always at the outside of the store.” He (a general case of human, no sexual implication) stands outside the store, without oppression, while he hugs me tight. Or he may even more familiar with my store.

Many things cannot be written into English. To translate into English, one concept has to be continuously condensed and reconstructed until it is logical to American. “It’s a traitorous safety.” It’s like the conflict between Celsius and Fahrenheit without scientific basis. Often I think,”Is it a price for more customers/people in the store? To hide something that you have, and show some that you don’t.” But I haven’t expected any foreigner (speaking language other than Mandarin) to be in the store! It is that, I do expect for a Middle-East-looking guy to be my boyfriend, nevertheless I never expect him to be in my store and look like being outside. Then why I do all this?

I think you know well the reason I write the letter to you. Even though you don’t know in fact, you guess right. Because you understand me.

I read up half of the second half of “Dance Dance Dance.” It should also be read as “Dance Dance Dance” in Japanese; I supposed instinctively. It’s a pity that I don’t know any Japanese.

If you put me in the novel of Haruki Murakami, maybe I would become a glass ball; a hollow glass ball with one high-density smaller ball inside. It’s bigger than a handful size (like a D-cup); the ball is unbreakable though its shell is thin. If one could lift up the ball and shake it, the high-density ball would definitely break the glass ball and fall out, and the hand which holds the glass ball would consequently got cut by the shell which supposed to be harmless. While the high-density ball is incredibly heavy so no human could lift it; the glass ball can only roll. Rolling is easy, even Egyptians know that: moving the rocks by rolling (logs). The glass ball seems to be free, because it can roll to anywhere; it just cannot be lift up and move.

A life that no one can take over but free in general.

Oh, I went to Boston College hours before for a walk. The campus ….. I should say, “a pretty American ‘English Park’.” 24 degree Celsius, sunlight of 45 degree latitude, shade of trees, meadow, breezes, and jingle from the church — a best place for jogging. Nonetheless it’s not a best place for reading Haruki Murakami’s novel, either any magazine; it’s for jogging, yep, it’s for jogging.

J, do you think it’s OK that I lead a life like this? Am I going to lose the real me? Ever time I feel like “this is fine, and that’s not killing.” As long as I don’t have something which “must be found,” it may be inappropriate for me to engage such personality. And I AM just not the kind of person. Am I going to be superficial for the rest of my life? I randomly walk without tripped yet without any intention. Is it going to be like that?

Anyway, wish you a good day.

A
(ps. next time I’ll send you things from earth, like bubble-gum-flavor watermelon Coolatta or microwaved macaroni)

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