It’s doesn’t mean that I have any problem of making friends (maybe kind of), but my mental status (?).
Remember during orientation I told Laura D. (there are at least three Laura froshes that I know lol) that I was actually antisocial, while ironically I was then really (trying?) to be social. Cuz it was time to meet new people! I tried (yep, tried) to ask people’s name and introduce myself, and kind of working on longer conversations. Though I am outgoing and feel like doing crazy stuffs every day all the time, I am at some point (or at some time) really antisocial.
During FAP and Orientation, I push myself to the public at some extent. To think back, I might just aspire for friends. I need friends, as some one said on a yellow notebook (which may be my graduation present); I aspire for friends. Like dancing, having friends around may be a source of confidence, (social) safety or a sense of belonging.
I tried hard to live (mentally) independently. I don’t want to cater or play up to …… (sorry, I just check the words in dictionary; those words are not that accurate…..) I should say, break up my living discipline for trivial social issues.
Of course I got some friends, or a moderate (but not many) amount of acquaintances (It would be insane to have no friends until now haha!)
The antisocial syndrome, I guess, started when orientation ends and girls started running for sonority recruitment (I didn’t know many of my friends ran it until the last day of the recruitment lol. ) During those 4-5 days, I either hung out with my sister or staying in my dorm doing lame stuffs (including afternoon nap lol).
Those days I was alone, which is not bad, and gradually felt comfortable of being alone. I mean, I kind of failed on being social (believe it or not, I always do.), so if being along was what I decided to do, it would be better than LEFT alone.
Maybe it is kind of a culture shock. I don’t know, or don’t understand, the (spontaneous) way that Americans (sorry, it’s inappropriate but by far the most accurate word in my vocabulary) make friends with one another. I don’t understand some jokes, or even the words (which I definitely should know = =”) they’re talking about. Sometimes I didn’t say a word among a group of people not because I don’t know how to say, but I just don’t feel like chatting on the topics.
In high school I make (better) friends only when I identify her (yeah…… mostly her) personalities, or her first impression is good to me. I am always picky on friends, since I understand there is no reason for me to hang out with people I (even slightly) don’t like. Talking with someone I don’t like (sometimes without any reason, just intuition) like a friend is always unendurable to me.
And one of the reasons I was so demanding on friends is that I did (and do) have good and prospectively permanent friendships.
Ok, after such annoying nagging, here comes the reason why I write this blog.
I DON’T WANT TO BE SERIOUSLY ANTISOCIAL, BUT I NOTICED THAT I AM POTENTIAL TO BE.
After school started, I spent most of my time in the dorm except lecture time; I was even reluctant to talk with people. Before I was active in the social circle, while I am stepping away from any social circumstance. I become passive, which in general is not a bad thing. IT’S NOT BAD, so I retreated more and more.
Till now I still don’t think it is bad. It’s just a period of time. Once in a while a person should be with himself/ herself.
Just don’t know when it will over. Just a little bit worried.