I remember the time when I got the blue booklet — August, upcoming course 4 , UROPing in SENSEable City Lab, having the best body shape of my entire life, sunny Boston and a bunch of black uni-pin pens from 0.1 mm to 0.8 mm aside — everything was to sprout.
After four months, it was filled less than a half, with most of which done before mid September’10.
The next morning of my final review, I opened the package Jennifer sent me. It was a two-page letter and her recently published novel. Apparently she still thought that I was the superwoman in high school. “Not anymore,” I murmured to myself,” This semester has torn me down in so many ways.” I dag out the “diary” she gave me two years ago and opened to the “Dec 2009” page. It was supposed to be a checkpoint for 2009, “It’s the end of the year, I believe you are as tough as I knew you were.” I was to cry out that I was, but unfortunately am not.
Then I started to read my sketchbook from veneto experience. “DIAGRAMS” “30% diagrams in my sketchbook” was what I claimed in the final review in veneto. Through the many diagrams in the sketchbook I saw a vigorous, positive, and enthusiastic person, not even an architect but an enthusiastic person. Each diagram spoke an idea that I wouldn’t remember had I not put it down. “You are so good at diagrams!” I was proud of myself, not entirely but for this little part yes I did. There was at least one way that I can have my idea transmitted.
But where is this little enthusiastic free spirit under the veneto sun? I never cried hard, I just let the tears fall and never wipe it. “Let it fall like a cascade, there is nothing to hide.” Tears fell hard as I flipped through every page and finally the diagrams became to blur to read, like those in the last semester. I wonder how much passion I lost in the last semester due to an overall chaos (there was nothing specific to talk about; it was just too many things together.), and how many breakdowns that broke my confidence into pieces.
I want to be the Angela Wang 7 months ago.
I went back to the blue booklet again after I was sort of calm down. The September diagrams were more literal and about myself: OCD, exercise, eating, sorority, architecture, or anything related to “looking forward.” I wasn’t very sure of this idea when I chose this topic and thought that was worth exploring through more diagrams (like I did in veneto experience). However, my tight schedule took off not only my time but also my creativity. No ideas happened before sleeping, and no sleeping happened before finishing work. And I never finished my work, or never “completed” one that is up to my standard. Even the dances were not.
And please at this point stop yelling at me to cut down dancing or stop dancing or change major or ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT. I am currently unconfident and timid enough to respond to these questions to anyone than myself.
Leave the egg alone. The little chick will come out if that is a zygote, and it won’t be boiled unless you heat it up.
So the new diagrams I made the past days were more joyful and shallow like “my walk from MIT to Central Square in 5C”. The booklet get its cartoonish writings and drawings refilled, though it was nothing actually “looking” or “forward”. It was even “backward”, back to the Angela Wang earlier in the year.
Or you name the direction after you define the x-axis.
If the “forward” of your x-axis is defined as what projects on your retina, then there is no way that you are somewhere “behind.”
Angela in flour.