This week is by far the chillest week ever in my life.
If there has to be a week when I am too sad to do anything, I will definitely choose this week since then I wouldn’t be too fucked to have to put everything together later.
And BAM. Here it is.
To be honest, no one would ever find me struggling if I didn’t tell them. I could be exhausted from my work*; I could have hot tempers because I wasn’t getting enough sleep.
Well then that’s how I ended up trying to explain to some people how both of the assumptions weren’t true. This week I only went to two of my classes on Tuesday and Thursday which I couldn’t miss. I had 8+ hours of sleep everyday this week except Tuesday night when I was trying very hard to finish a 2-page (late) response paper. I ended up finishing it at 5am; that’s how inefficient I was.
Something happened, and don’t ask me why. I know I have been complaining and seeking sympathy without telling people what exactly the hell was it. It was very lame. I apologize. It’s not that I don’t believe in you. It’s just that I am afraid of word of mouth more than anything else, and that I haven’t found a logical way to explain it.
If I’m stressed because I couldn’t finish my work or I didn’t organize my time well, I wouldn’t even try to think “life is unfair” or “why can’t I get some help”. For most of my life I want to say I don’t like to blame anybody but myself. All of the decisions are made by me and only I can be responsible for my life. That was how I tried very hard not to go to S^3 even when I was fairly screwed in the past semesters.
And, ugh, I hate to say this, but I realized this time was different. I did go to S^3, although the counselor sent the notification letter to my professors one day later after I reminded him lol.
During this week, I didn’t want to see or talk to anybody. I wanted to cry all time in the first day (when I turned in the most shitty paper ever for one of my most important classes). And later it was like time bombs exploding once in a while. I didn’t want to go to any of my classes (I rarely skip classes except for 11.188) because I didn’t know when the stupid moody bomb would attack me.
(Oh and a random note: I hate attention hoes.)
After giving up my life for a week, and after finding out that I got a 58 on my 14.01 test**. I wish there is anyway that I can stop this annoying moody thingy and be a dedicated MIT student – turn in some homework/psets that I’m still late for (ugh) and better re-write that humiliating paper (ughhhh).
Like Jennifer said, I just have to let it go if i’m not asking for any changes.
A final random note. During my long nap this afternoon, there was a moment when the dream became so realistic and physical that brought me goosebumps. I could feel the flesh of myself and what embraced me. “This is not true, ” I told myself, and I quickly recognized it as a dream. In this stage of life this becomes impossible to happen in real life. It has become something so solidly true that I can use to tell the real world from dreams.
How sad is that.
* (For some reason people always think I have a lot of work. They never know that i’m just a very slow and inefficient worker. ) (and they never know that after I dropped studio how much easier my life became. it is literally a joke now.)
** (It was eve worse because I felt very good when I finished the test lol.)