Pregnancy?

No. Calm down. I’m not pregnant. Not now.
Or maybe I won’t at all.

This morning I went to my family doctor, or a OB/GYN doctor I went to since a few years ago. I don’t mind letting people know that I’ve been taking hormone on and off for the past years. Last year I finally decided to take birth control (it has heavier dose) continuously, with knowing all the side effects it would bring to me. In general, it has been working well and I felt like a normal female, although it (partly) brings me . It has also been striking to me knowing that many of my friends are taking pills too for similar reasons. “Stress @MIT” and “pain relieving” are the most common reasons I heard from them.

In my case, I guess it was a combination between stress @ MIT and low body fat (OK I used to be very thin OK?) When it went down to my 11% body fat, I looked just like a man. I looked ripped but very sharp, in a way that I was not attractive or even approachable. I was easily irritated and depressed. Later I realized that there was something that I have been sacrificing my body to; it’s my feminineness. I had been taking hormone pills on and off, but when I stopped taking them my body ceased to act normal. It was disappointing after several attempts so I just gave up fixing myself. “There are many people like me and they live their lives perfectly,” I told myself. Then I just made all the stresses and (manic-)depression stroke on me, as long as I looked the way I wanted.

Last August, I decided to give myself one more chance, and this is going to be one year. Things like forgetting to take the pills or wanting to stop because of the side effects was not going to stop me from this. I told myself that I will give myself a break, getting some fat to store the hormone, and strictly take the pills everyday. My appetite changed, and so did my mood. I became a sweet tooth and I was more sentimental than I thought. There were times when I was frustrated to see my changes; there were also times when I proud of myself for getting this far. Birth control is nothing painful or serious; it just made me feel insecure, as if I have to be dependent on it for the rest of my life. I stressed out just by thinking about it.

During the abdominal echo exam, my doctor told me something I have been worrying about. From the exam last year she already told me my womb was too small. After a year, it still did now grow much.

“If you are going to have babies, you might want to make a plan soon. I’m afraid that by the 30s your ovary might be too weak to work.”

The doctor said it in a purely hypothetical voice since my blood test result has not come up yet. However, my heart has already sunken. I know I want to have babies when I’m still young because it’s healthier for both me and the babies.

I just never have thought that, it might be me who are yet healthy enough to do it.

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