A year and 4 days

SO I didn’t quite quit being a blogger (if I ever was) since I had been actively using tumblr for a while, especially in the summer. However, It’s still funny to see the last post here being on December 25th, 2010, a year and 4 days ago, and I was also alone hanging around in Boston/it was snowing I remember. There were probably not 388 things or 388 people that I can talk about, but I can see how the (n<388) has changed my life. Or just simply check the photos that I took from last year you can tell how my face, my body, and maybe, if you can tell, my mind, hopefully are a lot more sophisticated(or old/jaded) right now.

What happened this year? (not chronical)

1. I think I become a happier person:

Impressive huh? Especially in the Fall I think I laughed so much more. SO MUCH. So much that I couldn’t believe that I did. Even in the time when I was in the summer I wasn’t that easily satisfied with my life. I probably wan’t having a better life at all (an easier one for sure, but not necessarily a better one), but I guess I learned how to not care about a lot of things (good/bad) and stop being a nervous/self-conscious person, and that makes me look happier.

Maybe because I slept a lot more (truth), maybe because I started to accept the blessing of all-you-can-eat on a daily basis (and I was so dedicated to the “all-I-can-eat” diet type that I ended up giving me an extra 15lbs/or more in the junior year, blah). Food* makes me happy.

Or maybe because I started to have roommates again > credits to Kristin and Danielle <3. Talking to people is healthy for me, especially with a roommate who listens. Having a roommate also excite my …… inner mommy gene …… I like to leave messages/apologies/treats(?) because, especially in the spring, I was never in the room. In that sense we have some communication at least even though our lives didn’t overlap that much. Also I’m mostly a little bit out of control when I’m alone so having someone around me   makes me more well-behaved.

2.I learned to not ask for return:

If I do care about one person, I would do a lot for him/her, most of which was not so much refundable. I used to be so OCD in the concept of “equality”. If I someone touch my left hand I would touch my right and kept doing it back and forth until I thought the amount of “touch” was even. Mentally, I would expect* to have equal treatment or I would force myself to grab something from the memory to fill the hole/satisfy myself. Starting from this year when I realized so many people, especially the choreographers, have spent so much extra time just to make things/practices as it should be. Or people simply were just supporting you for no reason, some of whom I don’t even know very well. Before when I was helping people, I would tell myself that “God makes lives equal, so I will get others help when I need.” Well this is apparently not true because no one is obligated to do anything for another at anytime. Then I realized that you can’t request for mercy but make one your own when you need one. If you can give others support, you can give one to yourself too. It doesn’t make it any less worthy because it’s not from somebody else.

3. I lied and I confessed. I will never lie again.

4. I liked a person without liking back. (shhhhhh)

5. I lived in Central Square in the summer!

6. New Orleans for spring break! (the New Orleans apple pie ohhh)

7. I did but didn’t finish insanity ……. I doubt I will have the mentality to do it again anytime in the future.

8. I had my first workshop and my first collbo dance in DT!

I do think leading a collabo was a big part of my happy life in the fall. I was so proud of myself when I finally remembered everyone’s name (without messing up Terrence and Herman) and when the dance were put together. So proud of my collabo. We chose a group of beast for sure. And knowing 38 new people  in a semester is definitely my record after freshman year (believe it or not). Special love to Nacho and Camille ❤ Sometimes you do something different in your life and you get to make new friends, totally worth it.

9. WODDDDDD

10. Moved! first New House and then MASEEH

Moving out of East Campus was one on the brightest decisions I’ve made of the year. It’s awesome, but it’s just not for me.
New House …… I think I moved to the wrong house for me or it was just too far. Nice roommate tho.

MASEEH: Alas SO AWESOME, SO CLOSE. It made me so fat/lazy too, and very under-dressed for class (like pajamas lol) After dinner (I also have my dinner very early in the fall because of dining) I can chill in my room from 8-8:57pm before Donk’s practice: 57 mins is a lot of time/to be wasted. Everything is NEW, the roommate is great (thumbs up), the soundproof is phenomenal, the security is well-appreciated although I forget my ID many times. And surprisingly I made a few friends in Maseeh even by being one of the most anti-social people in Maseeh Hall.

11. Piphi

Phun week and recruitment week was cute, though I was pretty dead for midway and slope at that time …… I guess I felt more comfortable in Piphi  although I didn’t end up getting a little. I love that fact that we got a house and everyone was very cute about it, and our new class is REALLY HOT. I don’t know if I’m moving to the house next year (Maseeh is an addiction) but either way hanging out in the house is gonna be awesome ❤ PPL.

12. 4.113+4.114

To brace up from the most-terrible-stumble-ever 4.112, I spent most of my time (still not enough) for 4.113, so a B+ was more of “thank you for your work though you barely met the requirement at the end”.  Nevertheless a B+ was already a great boost for me coming from a terrible semester. When I heard 4.114 is more traditional I was so excited and so ready for making a lot of models/breaking up with rhino. Jan was a very very nice professor and I can’t say no more about how well he knew each student and gave the appropriate suggestions by his experience. When he told me “stop thinking just do it, don’t change it,”  he knew what kind of person I was. Most of my class appreciate the traditional studio a lot but we know it might not be happening in the next year. We were luck to have Jan, or unless at least I wouldn’t have the chance to know what kind of a designer I am and what is precious of me and my design. I will miss 4.114 and I will use the G314 pencils in a way that I will be proud of.

13. Dance in general (I told you this is not chronicle)

MoTV was a lot of fun and that IAP I was a bit swamped for sure, but it was a happy winter.
In the spring I felt the intensity of dancing went down a little bit and I spent a significantly more time (comparing to the fall 2010) on studio.
Summer is nice. I think I was more lazy in terms of doing workshops hmm. Should’ve done more technique ….. sigh.
Fall 2011. DT was down to two + one collabo. Dropping dances from 4>2 made me kind of sad and felt not as into DT as what I used to be, while at the same time given those two hours of extra time I probably have done something else. A lot of time I felt myself wasting time, while thinking back I was working pretty much all the time whenever I’m awake. I watched no TV show or did not have any youtube study break when I was studying. I made probably <5 outings in the semester. I hanged out with my parents for one night and my sister another when they were here in Boston and no more cuz I need to work and practice.

People asked me how I could do both Donk and Mocha at the same time. I always told them: because dance is part of my life. It is true, and I never really regret it. Why do I need that much dancing? Can’t I do something else? Well I would tell them again it’s 2hr/day in average. If you think a varsity sport is durable that a time commitment like this is not bad either. (also I highly appreciate all the varsity sports, I don’t have that kind of physical and mental persistence at all) You don’t think one commitment is more legitimate from another because it’s either an academic organization or anything that sounds more fancy on your resume/CV; you do the things that best define you as a person. For me, it’s dancing.

(kk it’s too long till here maybe I’ll just stop here.)

Looking forward/backward

C

 

I remember the time when I got the blue booklet — August, upcoming course 4 , UROPing in SENSEable City Lab, having the best body shape of my entire life, sunny Boston and a bunch of black uni-pin pens from 0.1 mm to 0.8 mm aside — everything was to sprout.
After four months, it was filled less than a half, with most of which done before mid September’10.

The next morning of my final review, I opened the package Jennifer sent me. It was a two-page letter and her recently published novel. Apparently she still thought that I was the superwoman in high school. “Not anymore,” I murmured to myself,” This semester has torn me down in so many ways.” I dag out the “diary” she gave me two years ago and opened to the “Dec 2009” page. It was supposed to be a checkpoint for 2009, “It’s the end of the year, I believe you are as tough as I knew you were.” I was to cry out that I was, but unfortunately am not.
Then I started to read my sketchbook from veneto experience. “DIAGRAMS” “30% diagrams in my sketchbook” was what I claimed in the final review in veneto. Through the many diagrams in the sketchbook I saw a vigorous, positive, and enthusiastic person, not even an architect but an enthusiastic person. Each diagram spoke an idea that I wouldn’t remember had I not put it down. “You are so good at diagrams!” I was proud of myself, not entirely but for this little part yes I did. There was at least one way that I can have my idea transmitted.
But where is this little enthusiastic free spirit under the veneto sun? I never cried hard, I just let the tears fall and never wipe it. “Let it fall like a cascade, there is nothing to hide.” Tears fell hard as I flipped through every page and finally the diagrams became to blur to read, like those in the last semester. I wonder how much passion I lost in the last semester due to an overall chaos (there was nothing specific to talk about; it was just too many things together.), and how many breakdowns that broke my confidence into pieces.

I want to be the Angela Wang 7 months ago.

I went back to the blue booklet again after I was sort of calm down. The September diagrams were more literal and about myself: OCD, exercise, eating, sorority, architecture, or anything related to “looking forward.” I wasn’t very sure of this idea when I chose this topic and thought that was worth exploring through more diagrams (like I did in veneto experience). However, my tight schedule took off not only my time but also my creativity. No ideas happened before sleeping, and no sleeping happened before finishing work. And  I never finished my work, or never “completed” one that is up to my standard. Even the dances were not.

And please at this point stop yelling at me to cut down dancing or stop dancing or change major or ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT. I am currently unconfident and timid enough to respond to these questions to anyone than myself.
Leave the egg alone. The little chick will come out if that is a zygote, and it won’t be boiled unless you heat it up.

So the new diagrams I made the past days were more joyful and shallow like “my walk from MIT to Central Square in 5C”. The booklet get its cartoonish writings and drawings refilled, though it was nothing actually “looking” or “forward”. It was even “backward”, back to the Angela Wang earlier in the year.

Or you name the direction after you define the x-axis.

 

 

 

 

If the “forward” of your x-axis is defined as what projects on your retina, then there is no way that you are somewhere “behind.”

 

 

 

 

Angela in flour.